Funny Quotes
Posted: 19 Jul 2005 01:04
Heres some of the funnier quotes that i've come across in many hours surfing the net.....i keep the best ones, but of course it just not as fun unless u share them.....
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"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
Rebecca West.
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
Joan Rivers
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne Barr.
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain.
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
Roseanne Barr.
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips.
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."
Charles Pierce.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
Woody Allen.
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? 'Honey, I'm home'."
Ken Hammond.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.
"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Emo Philips.
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
Joan Rivers.
"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp
"My parents used to beat the shit out of me. And, looking back on it, I'm glad they did. I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my own kids, for no reason whatsoever."
Denis Leary.
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."
Erma Bombeck.
"There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age."
Benjamin Spock.
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."
Joan Rivers.
"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."
Joe Namath.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'toys not included'."
Bernard Manning.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Groucho Marx.
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Emo Philips.
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen.
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
Mark Twain.
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
George Burns.
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
George Burns.
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
Garrison Kielor.
"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once."
Samuel Butler.
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner.
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
Rita Rudner.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips.
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Groucho Marx.
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx.
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."
Denis Leary
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
Emo Philips.
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."
Oliver Herford.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
Adrienne Gusoff.
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie"
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
--Steven Wright .
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak
"I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life."
"The best thing about Alzheimer’s is that you can hide your own Easter eggs"
"Beer, getting ugly people laid since 1700"
"As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters"
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny."
~ Katherine Carpenter
"Anybody here who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand."
******************************
Of course, my all time favourite is my current signature - violence solves everything.
.gif "::whyyou!!::")
************************
"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute."
Rebecca West.
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
Joan Rivers
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself."
Roseanne Barr.
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain.
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
Roseanne Barr.
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips.
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."
Charles Pierce.
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
Woody Allen.
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? 'Honey, I'm home'."
Ken Hammond.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.
"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Emo Philips.
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
Joan Rivers.
"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
Quentin Crisp
"My parents used to beat the shit out of me. And, looking back on it, I'm glad they did. I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my own kids, for no reason whatsoever."
Denis Leary.
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."
Erma Bombeck.
"There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age."
Benjamin Spock.
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."
Joan Rivers.
"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."
Joe Namath.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'toys not included'."
Bernard Manning.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
Groucho Marx.
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Patrick Moore.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Emo Philips.
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen.
"The report of my death was an exaggeration."
Mark Twain.
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
George Burns.
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
George Burns.
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
Garrison Kielor.
"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once."
Samuel Butler.
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
Rita Rudner.
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
Rita Rudner.
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips.
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Groucho Marx.
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx.
"I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with."
Denis Leary
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
Emo Philips.
"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.
"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet."
Oliver Herford.
"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out."
Rodney Dangerfield.
"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
Adrienne Gusoff.
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer
"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"
"If at first you don't succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie"
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."
--Steven Wright .
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
--Steve Wozniak
"I gave up smoking, drinking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life."
"The best thing about Alzheimer’s is that you can hide your own Easter eggs"
"Beer, getting ugly people laid since 1700"
"As you slide down the banister of life, may your ass collect many splinters"
"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you walk funny."
~ Katherine Carpenter
"Anybody here who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand."
******************************
Of course, my all time favourite is my current signature - violence solves everything.
..
